The Days and Nights of Catherine Evermore

my heart breaks
each time
i think of them
not knowing
for sure
but feeling
deep in my soul
one daughter
one son
grieving
my heart aches
the simple service
at last
sitting quietly
by candlelight
reading
from the bible
the priest
holding my hands
repeating words
meant to bring
peace and
comfort
to ease
the pain
entering
their names
forever
on a page
in the
small
book
of
love
for h and e

© Catherine Evermore. All rights reserved.

We do this bit by bit. We let others into our lives … our private nooks and crannies and secret places. We trust that they are who they purport to be, just as we are honest about ourselves. Then it begins.

We share our deepest thoughts and feelings. We allow others to see our good and funny and thoughtful and sad and intelligent and grumpy and vulnerable sides. We are multi-faceted, I suppose.

We share phone numbers and addresses and emails and screen names and birthdays. We discuss family and friends, as if we all lived in the same neighborhood. We share photographs and Web cams and voice chats and phone calls … things meant to bring each other into focus … into our real world.

We trust. We love. We give. We take. We get angry. We misunderstand. We get hurt, and then we give it one more try hoping to make things better.

We cry for ourselves because we feel stupid and silly and cheap and used and tossed aside as if we never existed, and we wonder if we will ever trust again.

We do and so it begins as if it never ended. We forgive and move forward; oftentimes, we forget. We are, after all, just human beings.

© Catherine Evermore. All rights reserved.

My friend asked me how I am doing in my new role as a cancer survivor. Good question. Thankful and grateful certainly comes to mind.

Each day is different. There are days when I feel full of energy that might last through the morning. On these days, I do early morning errands and return home before noon. I rarely go out in the afternoon.

There are days when I have no energy at all, so I stay inside and watch old TV shows, movies, or read a book. Sometimes I take a nap.

Yesterday, I weighted myself and I’ve lost 35 lbs. since March (when I started chemo). Because I don’t exercise on a daily basis, on the days that I make it to Target I do a few laps around the store. It’s been too hot to walk outside as I have to wear something on my head, long sleeves and pants. I refuse to wear socks now that I’m no longer going for chemo.

I’m still using a cane for balance.

Food is of little interest. I’m a terrible cook. Seriously. I am. Some foods still have no taste while other foods are tolerable. For the longest time everything tasted like metal. Now it just tastes blah.

I’m alive. I have the normal fears that the cancer might return. Today, I have a sore throat, so I’m constantly checking for swelling on the side of my neck. That’s how I found out I had cancer. A lump.

My hair is trying to come back but it looks more like baby hair than anything else. I wonder what it will look like when it completely grows out? It doesn’t look like I’m going to be a redhead (not that I ever was).

So, that’s where I am today. Alive. Cancer free. Thankful. Loving and loved.

~Catherine

© Catherine Evermore. All rights reserved.